I want out with someone. Call her T. T and I were involved with each other, off and on (mostly off) for something like four years. Sometimes we'd be very, very close. Other times we wouldn't speak for months. It was the transition between those times that was the killer- the periods of intensity wouldn't end with a bang, but a whimper. I would see her less often. Plans to meet would get postponed, then cancelled. But the worst came from the e-mail left unanswered and the pathetically one-sided games of phone-tag. It was T's way of dealing, I suppose. If she came out to make a strong break between us she'd get logical arguments and wheedling and attempts to woo and seduce. By keeping distant she avoided all of that. Unfortunately, it would take me far too long to get the message, even on the fourth or fifth time through the process.

So ever since then, I get anxious when someone doesn't return my phonecalls or my e-mail messages. I tend to be too quickly worried about that person's feelings towards me (be it friend, romantic interest, relative, or co-worker) wondering if their silence is a message in itself, or just a byproduct of the hustle and bustle of life. When I get involved into a relationship, I make the other person promise that if even if things go wrong the communication will still be there.

So that's a scar of mine. I didn't think of that anxiety's romantic roots until a few days ago. The relationship with T left me with many good things as well; any romance worth having will. And the scars have a beauty of their own too.