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By pix Submitted by pixiedevil24 Date: 2001 Jul 03 Comment on this Work [[2001.07.03.14.49.20885]] |
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the only way i can truely describe what i'm going through is to be completely honest and open. And, i never do this. I always have a wall up, between my reality and the world. I guess because i'm weak. But i have fire inside, just enough to tell you this, i guess. So, i'm addicted to you. I know that seems strange, an addiction. But that's what it is. I don't love you because i have to say that i barely know you. I don't like you, because sometimes you get on my nerves, and honestly you're not my type. I'm not infatuated with you because there are so many other guys i could want more than you, i'm just being honest. But, i can't not want you. I can't turn away from you. When you're near me, i can't not look at you and think abuot how much i just want to kiss you. These changes in me, i know you can see them, they started because of you. I wanted you too think i was not as innocent as you thought i was, and guess what, i'm really not. I've turned into a (and i smile when i write this) "bad girl", maybe too much i think. I'm still innocent at heart, that has more than one meaning. But basically i have rebelled for you. To name i few, i've started drinking more heavily, i've started to smoke, started sneaking out untill 3:30, and you know how different that is, i've started making out with your friends, like josh, and i've lost that quietness, that shyness. I've become like your friends. That was my intention. To be equal to you. I thought ryan was this symbol above me, of what i needed to be equal to to have you. What the hell was i thinking? Ryan is a looser. And look at what i've become. I tried to shock you, to impress you, but i went too far. I've lost your respect. I've compromised it. This isn't all because of you, i can't put that on your sholders, but i did start because of you, and it can't end now. I'm addicted to the way you look at me, and especially the way you hugg me. There is no other feeling close to that, the warmth of your arms when you hugg me. And when you kiss me, i feel so comfortable. I trust you mose than anyone, i trust you with my life. I know that you have made me this way, but i still am addicted to you. And the worst part is, right when i feel all this emotion for you, that night, it always falls apart, and i feel so stupid. So stupid and ignorant and beaten. I will think about the words to say to you so that you'll understand my desire for you, and that night, you'll leave with another girl. The girl that always wins your heart. Liz. I don't know why you choose her over me. I'm prettier, i'm being honest. I know i'm prettier because she is not cute. I've been told this by guys. She is ugly. But she is your history, your past. You treat eachother like shit, cheat on eachother and then get back together at every party, but you still need her. But i know you really do need her, because you both stay sober, and you still end up together. We were always drunk. Not drunk, but deffinatly influenced. But i just get so frusterated when she's not around. Because i am so good to you. So nice and sweet and genually caring about you. I listen to every word you say like it is the last sound i'll hear in my life time. And you give me back half. You insist on hugging me so tight, like a lover, but then for the rest of the night, you ignore me. Scott said it is because i am more mature than you, and you've never had to deal with that before. Where as that's a wonderful theory, i think it's more that you just don't know what you want with but you do know what you want with liz. I guess i have confused the hell out of you too. Making out with josh. I know that really pissed you off. You were so mad that night so harsh with your words. And the next day you almost appologised with kindness. I still can't believe you stood up for me, you're usually not like that. So i thought i had done something right. But i'm stupid like that. It was all saposed to show you that i don't need you, but then i let you know that i did the next time i saw you. I apologised with resent. So, with all this feeling and emotion, maybe it's more than an addiction, maybe it's a shallow form of love. Or a mutual agreement that there is something there, but it's not ment to be somehow. Or because of someone. Liz. And god, you're going to follow her to college. I'll loose you forever. All i want to do is tell you that i never stopped having feelings for you, and that i never will. And that i want to kiss you one more time before i go away to college. That's all i want. Just to tell you with words, and not actions. And i want to be sober, or close to it so that my words are meaningful to you. I want your respect back, your desire. So what do i do? I don't smoke ciggs around him anymore. I don't drink a lot around him anymore. I always am cute around him. And i start to show him that side of me that doesn't need him, but wants him. Show him that he is desired. I need him to think of me as a girl that has it all together. That is really sweet to everytone, and is in controll, not addicted.. I need to step out of the darkness, find myself, be creative, and enjoy the time i've got. I need to start over, but this time, be myself. |