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By Misti Date: 2002 Jun 25 Comment on this Work [[2002.06.25.08.47.21658]] |
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One more special message to go And then I'm done then I can go home I love myself better than you I know it's wrong so what should I do? ~Kurt Cobain yesterday I took a break from cleaning laid down on the bed listened to the classic rock station wondering if any of my past lovers/crushes think of me and I added all my sex partners up in my head nine and then my husband makes ten I remembered that I wasn't even attracted to number nine I got up from his bed got online and found a birthday e-card from the guy I was gone over the rainbow/over the moon for I was so rude but he wanted to see me again ten sex partners ten of cups overflowing and yesterday I studied my neatly organized closet looked at my black strap heels and thought of putting them in a poem so everyone would know how hard I try to be sexy ...in Vegas I'll wear my black strap heels with my sexy red dress black kohl under my lower lashes liquid black lining my eyelids and some kind of heady cologne even thought it makes me sneeze maybe I'll stand innocently at a craps table and get abducted by Ben Affleck or maybe a bored millionaire Wall Street player will burn holes right through me with his eyes from his vantage point at a hundred dollar a hand poker game table my husband will just complain 'cause it took me too long to get ready he's not Holden saying it doesn't matter if a girl is late if she looks good this morning I dreamed some great dreams, for a change everyone adored me even the guy who stood up in the class I was teaching and told me that the other day in traffic I looked at him from my car said,"motherfucker" and made a gun with my fingers and brought it to my lips I admitted that was wrong of me I didn't apologize I just told him that driving in heavy traffic makes me nervous I tell every other driver to fuck off and point a pretend gun at them so he shouldn't take it personally in the same dream I berated another guy he was actually the actor who played the goofy freak in love with Mark Wahlberg in "Boogie Nights" and the disenchanted rich guy in "The Talented Mr. Ripley" in the dream this actor guy (I think his name is Phillip) was playing with this electronic guitar thing that wasn't actually a guitar he pushed a button and "Stairway to Heaven" began to play I ranted and raved about that told him that Jimmy Page and Robert Plant were geniuses and he was an impostor I made my case and he realized the error of his ways later on in the dream I was in my grandparents' front yard and my high school and way beyond crush/friend drove up on a motorcycle... He got off the bike and beamed at me and gave me a bear hug "You brought me a surprise," I cooed (he had a huge boner) and he was crazy about me all of a sudden and I was happy about that because I had been crazy about him for ten lonely years I'm no psychiatrist or psychologist or New Age guru or mystic but I think all of this points to one important thing: I am learning to love myself 110% with all my flaws with my freakiness with my square peg in a round hole anxiety and yes, with my pulpy heart sickness through thin and thickness I am witness to this awesome transformation a goddess despite of a lot of ugliness a resolute hostess of a party of one. |