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By Mysteriousone07 Date: 2003 Feb 18 Comment on this Work [[2003.02.18.16.09.17181]] |
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Dear Diary, I don't believe in fairy tales yet I can feel how great it is if it could happen to me. I never had anyone sweeped me off my feet. Days I see as I watch TV how great it is to have someone and to feel that chemistry within. Not all that I see on TV are real anyhow. I watched High School Reunion and Dave and Holly were great together. I just want to feel the way that Holly did. Sounds silly yes. But oh well. I believe that I am not capable of expressing my inner feelings to anyone; whether it'd be family or friends. Because I am afraid. Afraid of getting hurt, that when I show them my feelings it won't matter. Or how much I truly love them they pushes away--family. It's like no matter how many ways I would express it it doesn't seem to cut it. That I will end up hurting. Maybe that's why I like to listen more. Because I can't and don't want to say what's on my mind because I am afraid that I'll hurt them and then I'd be hurt. That what I do is wrong. All I can do is sit and listen without having to say a word. I tried to say something but the words just can't come out. As for friends I just don't know how. I am not capable of loving. But I only love one person besides family and friends. You know what I mean. To have that someone right there with you through anything. That you will spend the rest of your life with. Only if he could feel the same. But that's a silly thing to say! I treasure our friendship whether we stay that way or not. And no matter what happens I know how I truly feel inside. Dear Diary, You don't know how alone I am. I occupy myself with homework, reading, singing, and writing poems. That's all I do. I would consider myself as a WORKAHOLIC because I don't have time to go outside and have a breath of fresh air. To spend time going som place. That I would rather do work than have fun. Well not exactly. Maybe I'm so secluded that I got use to it. Anyhow, I secure myself in one place: that is my ROOM. Where I feel safe. Most of the time I get this emotions. Well it's more of a prediction. That I will be on my own. Live alone, die alone except my family and friends will be there at my funeral. But you know what they say: When you are alone your years on earth aren't long. But I don't want to think about that!!! *Knock on wood* I just can't. I am afraid: Afraid of most things. I can't express my feelings, I am unsure of myself, I am shy and quiet and keep things either bad or good all inside. I don't know what is going on with me. I wish to find answers and do the impossible. But how am I to do it? I ahve all these thoughts, feelings, emotions running through my bdy, at each point where I pause I have this question , "What am I to do, What am I to feel, most of all How can I release my fear?" |