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By beckyann1110 Date: 2003 Dec 04 Comment on this Work [[2003.12.04.04.27.23309]] |
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i hate you. i just realized that on some levels i really do. even though my heart is yearning for you and steadily pounding me deeper into the shithole i'm in because i wont run to you, i still hate you. i hate that you're the only person i've ever loved and i hate that i shared everything with you. now thats just more areas of my life you've been and touched. more memories to hate thinking of because they're gone. because YOU'RE gone. you've even taken my one sanctuary away from me. you're the only one in the world who knows about the spot where i go to vent and feel apart from everything going on in my life and i shared it with you because i wanted to share all of me with you. now youre there constantly, hurting me with your words and making me want to fight back against what you say. even when youre not there traces of you are-- now i don't even have a spot to escape. you've taken that from me. why am i the one talking to a shrink when youre the one who needs it? one more thing I'm doing for you that you "can't" do for your damn self. If i wasnt so afraid of violence i'd kill myself. actually no, nothing at that level - but you get the emotion. you were this shining, wonderful thing in my life but now youre a pure shot of pain with every memory. i'm wallowing in it because youre everywhere and i hate you for it. i hate that you have so many problems, i hate that you let those problems become personality traits and crutches for you. you dont have to be a dark, troubled person!!! i want to scream that at you, i feel like i have, till i'm blue in the fucking face and you go on as if i'm not there. you seem to almost take pride in the fact that you have sides i've never seen. i'm an open book to you, i didnt hide myself. i let you leave your mark all over me and now i hate you for it. the worst is that i still know you more than nearly anyone does, and i dont know you at all. you've made that clear. I take that back. I do know a little. If I didn't know anything I wouldn't have any idea that you had a problem in the world. I had to fucking pry that door open because you wouldn't want anyone to see that, oh my god you're human and you don't have a perfect past. Not even those who care about you can know that, doesn't matter if they would want to help you and love you anyways. I think I'm beginning to see why you closed off in the first place. Because you hurt me bad and I don't wan anyone to have access to me like you did, to have that ability to crush me. I'm never gonna get a chance to start clean, the way I was with you, no hesitations or broken hearts hanging over my shoulder. That's what hurts the most about love. Or maybe it's just your love. If I "tore the reality of us away" from you, it was because I could face the reality outside of our "relationship." Choosing to ignore things doesn't make them go away and I'm not gonna stand by while you fall further and further down. I've tried to help you one too many times and I'm done. You told me that YOU'RE done, but you never really committed to anything to begin with, or if you did you quit a long time ago - if you cant commit to you, there's no real relationship between us to begin with. Your personal problems are gonna have to solve themselves because I won't do it and you won't even truly recognize they're there. Oh well. Too fucking bad. |