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By Misti Date: 2005 Oct 06 Comment on this Work [[2005.10.06.14.47.2783]] |
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you drive away from Albuquerque on your new husband's fortieth birthday you are sobbing telling yourself It's Okay No, Really- It's Okay it doesn't matter that you hate his grandmother and she hates you right back so he yelled at you so he called you a Fucking Bitch he was sorry to see you go he really was he stood on his crutches in the driveway waving bye the tears streaming down you drive away from your husband and the mountains and the mesas you see the hotel where you spent your wedding night four months ago you remember everything and all at once it's all too much but It's Okay you say to yourself over & over you drive through Las Cruces the cows look so sad the cows are so stuck like so many people you know & love you see a mountain in El Paso that seems to be covered with huge white words but cars are whizzing by and the sun is setting you will never know what the words say you put gas in the car buy a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos a bottle of Aquafina water and a laminated Texas map you do not know where you're going but you're going away from the pain away from the nervous breakdowns away from the man who keeps breaking your heart you stop for Border Patrol a pretty no-nonsense Latina lady shines her flashlight into the backseat of your car which is loaded with clothes & books she asks where you're going she asks if you're a U.S. citizen you answer her questions politely with no condescension you drive on through a fog whenever you drive through fog you imagine you are driving through ghosts because there are more ghosts than people in your life your hands grip the steering wheel you are terrified of the concrete as well as the abstract what the fuck is eternity and why does it loom what the fuck is love and why won't it leave your poor tired white ass alone why are these trucks zooming around you will you die tonight just how bloody & painful will your death be you drive through West Texas past Monahans where the girls ganged up on you on the playground in sixth grade even pre-menstruation you brought out the worst in people you drive through Midland for an hour or more past the hospital where you gave birth to a girl and gave her away past the church where you sat in a pew sending hundreds of psychic I Love You's to your Leo crush past the mall where you blew many allowances on cheap clothes and candy you cannot find a cheap motel you waste sixty bucks on a Days Inn suite you pull the tacky bedspread and dark yellow blanket off the bed you are terrified of scorpions you glance at the ugly fridge and stove bitterly upset you take a bath you get in bed look at your naked body in the mirrored closet door no wonder he loves your breasts they're small but pretty with perfect nipples you sleep for a few hours he doesn't call you leave two cold messages on his voice mail you shower and dress and leave the room you drive to your mom's old best friend's house Faith is one of the few truly decent people you know when you were in the hospital at fifteen she brought you the first "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack cassette she visited you in the same hospital again when you were 23 and saying good-bye to your newborn daughter she gives you a hundred dollars and a hug tells you she will pray for you all you can do is thank her and walk away crying you drive all the way to Bridgeport, Texas your birthplace your only real nest your Meme & Pop's house on what was once called Cuba Road your grandmother loves you but she can't relate to you you write & lose jobs & men you ooze the worst kind of luck or maybe it's bad karma and you deserve it your grandmother is heavy with a life lived sensibly and politely married to the same man since she was seventeen mother to three children one child buried your grandmother is a hurricane you are a breeze your grandfather is congenial and clueless as always he takes you out to eat dinner at a Fifties theme cafe you order a Cherry Coke the waitress asks if you want a Roy Rogers tells you a Roy Rogers has two cherries instead of one you laugh you go for it you have earned an extra cherry |