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By RainbowChaser Date: 2002 Sep 22 Comment on this Work [[2002.09.22.10.53.2417]] |
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Papaw..I am worried I hear that you haven't been so good lately that all the times I thought you were strong, you were really pretending You have been sick, but have refused to quit because you thought I needed your support Go back to when I was young, and remind me of how things used to be When you taught me how to drive, the pride in your eyes My graduation day, how you cried when you handed me the keys How your eyes light up whenever I come home I love the sound of your voice when I call You're so appreciative, so loving Why have I taken you for granted? I get angry at you sometimes, maybe because you don't treat grandma very well You are such a strong personality, as am I It's so funny that you have loved me so much as to have given up three major things in your life Cigarettes, alcohol, and atheism Such a huge life change, you never have to prove your love to me What would you have been like if your life had been different? I try not to judge you, because it isn't entirely your fault The pain that you felt as a child have carried you all your life How I wish I could take that away Thank you for being there for me For laughing with me, and most of all for loving me You have been my father, my friend, and my grandpa I couldn't imagine life without you You say you are so proud of me, All my life, you have been the one that I have tried to impress, to get to love me You have loved me, yet I don't think I can ever be perfect enough I want to make you proud, so that you can tell people I am your granddaughter I have made huge mistakes in my life..bulimia and OCD although, you don't understand this, you wonder why I would want to end something so wonderful You think I'm wonderful, if you only knew Grandpa...why have you always thought I was perfect? I'm not. I'm not a gift from god, or an angel from above I'm a human, and I make mistakes, and I hurt people For the longest time, I thought I could conquer all this and be perfect again I tried, really, really hard But somehow I failed I hope that I didn't fail you, and that's why you are sick Why do people in my life always leave me? You used to tell me that I was perfect and that I was going to break a lot of hearts but the only heart that gets broken is mine I am the only one to cry all night long hoping for some peace And now I hear that you may be in bad shape You didn't tell us that you were sick you just keep blacking out, and one of these days, you may not come out of the abyss Where have you gone? When did you become sick? I look at you, you are so much older now When did this happen When did you hair become more gray, and your health become worse You can't go anywhere..remember that..you have to walk me down the aisle I was so scared to tell you about Trevor would it have made you not love me would you have hit me, shafted me, left me OH, god, grandpa I dont know Trevor is gone from my life, by his choice he is just another male who has left me I feel that I am destined to be alone without male companionship for all of eternity why is this the case? am i so different that men don't want to take a chance with me sometimes i just want to end it, like i was going to end it in the white car but then i had a flashback of the look on your face when you handed me the keys In may, I will be fulfilling a lifelong dream that we have shared together I will accept my diploma in my cap and gown and you will cry and be proud knowing that I used to be the little girl that sat on your lap and spouted her dreams remember the happy little girl, who used to laugh? who thought she could predict what you would say next? who sang to you via a gourd? the girl who talked on the cb for hours and hours where did she go? if our life is doomed to repeat itself then i know that we will meet again the little girl, and the grandpa who used to be able to do anything the superhuman grandpa and the perfect little girl..they exist somewhere in the past maybe we are doomed to never relive those days again, never to go back but in our memory, and our heart of hearts, we lived for a brief time we loved for a brief time but we have each other forever you are my one true pillar, the person i want to approve most of all i will do anything to make you happy, grandpa please don't get sick, please don't leave..i need you please tell me you'll be there for my wedding, my children, my future if you left tomorrow, i know my heart would burst if i should never talk to you again, the agony would be endless if you left, and i never got to say i love you, i miss you i would never forgive myself, but just know, that when i get my diploma in may..it doesn't just belong to me, but to you as well |